How My Baby Is Like a Mob Boss
Her looks may deceive you. She's small. A wee little thing. Barely the size of a pug, standing on its hind legs. She's got ringlets that bounce in her big, brown eyes which sparkle when you read her any book about giraffes. She may be young, just a baby in fact, only 16 months old. Yet, she commands your attention. She demands your respect. In fact, she runs things like a mob, crime boss. Yes, she's our family's little Godfather. So don't cross her or get in her way. Capeesh?
She Has Someone Try Her Food Before She Eats It
She doesn’t know what could be in that food. Looks can be deceiving. So can parents who are trying to get their babies to eat “healthy food.” What looks like a delicious milkshake could be laced with pureed kale and spinach. She can’t trust that what looks like mashed potatoes isn’t really cauliflower mash. She offers it up to you first, and studies your face carefully as you eat it. If you eat it and then make the “yum yum face” while you rub your belly enthusiastically, then it’s all clear (even though she questions your “yum yum face” sincerity.) If you refuse to eat what you’ve just served to her, or if you do that pretend bite where your lips don’t even touch the spoon, then something’s fishy. She’s not touching that food.
She Buries Me Alive in Her Dirty Laundry
It’s not a cornfield, it’s my laundry room. Some days, due to her love of art projects and passionate eating, she goes through up to four changes of clothes. She’s ruthless, this baby boss.
She Makes Us Offers We Can't Refuse
Pull her in a wagon in circles for an hour in exchange for seeing her look amused. Read her the same book 13 times in a row to see her clap her hands at the end of all 13 readings of it? Have Daddy do his Riverdance dance over and over to hear her laugh at him, ahem, with him? I mean, we pretty much accept all of her offers. How can we refuse?
She Has a Loyal Consigliere
The consigliere is a trusted counselor, the right hand man to the boss. My daughter’s consigliere is her brother. He is a trusted and loyal advisor. She listens to him above all others. Even above her beloved madre.
She Gives the "Kiss of Death"
As in, she kills us, and melts our hearts with those slobbery pecks of love. It’s too much. We die from the sweetness of it all. Done. Dead.
She Does a Damn Good Marlon Brando Impersonation
She rarely yells or screams, our daughter. Instead, she often commands our attention with her Marlon Brando-as-Vito Corleone ramblings. She mutters in a low, raspy, whisper tone while making grand hand gestures saying something, we just can’t make out what, exactly. But it’s important, her furrowed brow and jutted out chin make us certain of that.
She Has Violent Mood Swings
One minute she’s cuddled up, so sweet, giving you butterfly kisses. The next, she’s lying on her back, kicking her legs in the air, mad as hell because you wouldn’t give her your phone. As sweet as she is, she can get pissed. Like, Whitey Bulger pissed.
She Makes Others Do Her Dirty Work
The Godfather doesn’t ever get his hands dirty. He lets his soldiers carry out his dirty work for him. And we do the same for our little Donna. And sometimes it gets real messy. You don’t want to know the things we’ve seen.
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