Good Baby
By Ericka Lutz

I have a deadline today. Oh, I always have one deadline or another, and it’s my job to grumble and groan and then get to work, turning out prose. My business card says "scribe for hire," my resume says "parenting writer," yet today I find myself staring at a blank screen, struggling to write because the subject matter I’ve chosen, discipline and babies, doesn’t lend itself to my punchy, funny, catchy, breezy yet informative usual style. On the contrary. And the words don’t come easily. Instead, I stare at the screen, seeing visions, hearing voices.

I see a baby crying and crying and crying, and a mother pacing the floor. Tired. Fed up. Dizzy from sleep deprivation. "Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!!"

I hear another voice: "You’re spoiling your child. She just wants attention. You’ve got to establish control. A little bop on the butt will tell her who’s in charge."

I see a baby who won’t sleep in his crib, crying and crying to be held, his need unanswered. "Bad baby." The parent slaps. "He’s got to learn."

"STOP!" I say to the visions. "Stroke your child. Hold your baby. Her tears are her only way of telling you she is uncomfortable, scared, lonely, or unhappy. Don’t hit her or leave her to sob for hours. She cannot understand you, and the only thing she’ll learn is that her needs are wrong."

The parent in the vision looks at me, "But I have to teach her who’s in control here."

Some people are quick at the draw, able to match quip for quip, shout back an answer, top a joke, or deflect an insult. I’m not one of them. I’m a writer paid to find humor and insight in things human, yet I cannot find it here… the very idea of thinking a baby bad is so far beyond me. Yet I know there are many people who believe that a child must be trained from birth to obey her parents, to "respect" them, to be independent, and they do this through physical means—punishments. Physical discipline. Withdrawal of attention.

A baby slapped -- something so wrong, the lack of comprehension, the look of betrayal on the little face.

I’m left almost speechless, maybe because I care so much. It doesn’t matter how many books I write, how often I speak to parents; I fear I preach to the converted. I want to find the right words to show these people they are wrong. I want to answer this parent’s statement in a way that will make her listen, enable her to hear, and help her change.

I have only a few things I can say, and no humor to soften them:

• A baby’s wants are a baby’s needs.
• Her agenda is not your agenda. She cannot understand your schedules, your fatigue, and your need to be alone sometimes.
• Hit her and it hurts her but she will not understand why she was hit, why she is hurting.
• She doesn’t understand consequences, and she cannot learn from spanking. She is not developed enough to understand that she’s done something wrong, and she should never do it again. Even if she understands, she cannot remember it
• Your baby needs your responses. The child whose needs are not met will learn not to depend on people. Will learn not to trust love. Yes, she’ll be an easy baby – but disengaged, and ultimately afraid.
• A baby cannot be spoiled. Affection is not a gift, it is a requirement.
• There’s no such thing as a bad baby.

Period. That’s it.

I stare at the computer screen. Deadline. It’s a terrible word, isn’t it? Dead. Line. Pick up the phone, and it’s a dead line – the line is dead, your communication cannot get through, you cannot reach the ones you love. Why not a life line? Isn’t that what you are building for your baby when you show her unconditional love, when you respond to her needs, when you believe, and tell her with words, kisses, and actions that she is a GOOD baby, even when she cries, screams, doesn’t sleep?

Discipline for a baby IS unconditional love and affection and attention. You are building the lines of communication, trust, and self-esteem. Don’t give her a deadline ("Shape up, kid!"). Let her be a baby. Give your baby a lifeline.

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