Baby Battles: When You Want a Baby and He Doesn't
Going Through the Motions
Becky Clark’s husband couldn’t understand that she needed to be loved by a child. “I felt like motherhood was the only way I could correct my bad childhood—prove that I was a good person despite the stuff I went through,” says the St. Louis resident.
Clark and her husband began trying to conceive, but the relationship was tempestuous.”His heart wasn’t really in it,” she says. “I could tell that he was just going through the motions to make me happy—or even to just shut me up. It really started to get bad.”
After 18 months, the Clarks had not conceived, so Becky made an appointment with her OB-GYN, and she asked her husband to come along. “He didn’t want anything to do with it,” she says. “He refused to push the envelope.”
After another six months and a severely deteriorating relationship, the Clarks entered counseling. “At that point, we stopped trying to conceive at the advice of our therapist so we could concentrate on each other,” she says. “It was like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. As long as we were using birth control and I wasn’t talking about parenthood, he was great. It took almost an entire year of counseling for me to work through my issues attached to mothering, and during that time, we learned that Kevin had his own issues to work through.”
A Happy Ending
The Clarks conceived two years after they started counseling.”It’s better than I ever imagined, because now I know we are parents for all the right reasons,” says Clark.
With the help of counseling, you could find that your deep love is enough to pull you through until he is ready for a child, even if it takes 10 years. And if he is never ready, that just might be OK, too.
“A friend of mine married a man 15 years older than her when she was 25 years old,” says LeClerc. “She had always wanted children but he had three already—and a vasectomy which he did not want reversed. They obviously discussed the problem, and she decided she could be content having a family of cats and dogs. They are still together 10 years later.”
*Name changed to protect privacy.
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