When Baby-Making Becomes a Chore
How to cope with scheduled sex and the pressure to produce
So what’s a couple to do when making love becomes making a baby and both of you have lost that lovin’ feeling?
Talk About It
Sexual tension can be difficult to discuss under ordinary circumstances, so it’s even harder when someone’s libido is influenced by the anxiety of infertility, the worry that despite all your love for one another and all your medical efforts, the entire process will leave you empty handed in the end. But those feelings of futility and despair will only fester if they’re not brought out in the open.
Dr. David Yarian, PhD, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, recommends scheduling time for a discussion on a day when intercourse isn’t required. Dr. Madeline Licker Feingold, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Berkeley, California, and specializing in the psychological aspects of reproductive medicine, agrees, “Communication is very important. People need to state what they miss and what they need. Tell your partner directly what he or she can do to make you feel better.”
It also helps to admit that sometimes your body might show up for the baby-making, but your heart won’t always be in it. Explain that it’s not a function of your desire for your mate, it’s just that sex-on-demand takes away some of the spontaneity that normally revs your motor!
Between the conception calendars, the medication schedules, and the ultrasounds, baby-making can quickly become an all-consuming endeavor. Ironically, that obsession with having a child can come between the very act that will produce one.
Women often find that constantly ruminating about their fertility directly affects their mood once they enter the bedroom. How can you concentrate on feeling good when your brain is totally focused on the state of your eggs?
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