Sharing sexual intimacy is hard for some couples because it reminds them of their recent loss. "It was very emotional for me," says Harris. "I cried the first time [we made love], because all I could think about was giving birth to Brady, and that my deceased son was the last thing to have touched me."
It's also common to feel a sense of guilt, like you're trying to replace the baby you lost. "I felt guilty, but actually I got obsessed by the whole trying-to-conceive thing," says Alford. "It blanked out some of the pain of the loss. I got to know all about fertility, which is something I had not investigated before."
Czajkowski compares her recent road to conception with her previous two: "There was more of a desperation to get pregnant. I wanted to have hope again and I wanted this to happen quickly so I could have something to look forward to. I lost hope when I had Catherine. I wanted hope back."
What Others Think
Czajkowski was less concerned about her own feelings about Catherine's little brother than about how others would respond to her pregnancy. "I was concerned that people would think I was trying to 'replace' Catherine," says Czajkowski. "I've made it crystal clear that this is a little brother for Catherine—not a replacement."
My husband and I decided to keep it a secret that we were trying to conceive. Neither of us felt like other people would understand why we wanted to try again so soon.
Ellis and her husband made a similar decision. "We didn't tell anyone that we were trying again. We waited until our 10-week ultrasound to tell family about the baby and then waited until we were 12 weeks to tell anyone else," she says.