No, You Should Not Get Pregnant with a Condom
To Maternity… and Beyond! Chelsea Day has turned to good ole Doctor Google for some TTC tips, but founds the weird world of the internet instead.
How long we’ve been trying: 281 days
Number of pregnancy tests to date: 28
How many times we’ve had sex: 80
The strategy: Stay sane.
Google has been a reliable (albeit slightly strange) playground throughout both of my pregnancies and all the way up to my first son’s “terrible twos.” The search engine has led me to forums, social networks, and professional articles about everything from breastfeeding to discipline procedures. Much to the chagrin of my OB-GYN, Doctor Google has served as an outlet for self-discovery and fueled a whole lot of paranoia over the years.
Above all else, Google has given me a direct line to the pulse of humanity as I try to navigate the weirdness of baby-having.
Most recently, I Google-searched, “Get Pregnant with a _____” in hopes of finding tips and tricks to help me conceive a girl. I have a husband, two sons, a horny male Doberman and a German Shepherd who is also of the XY affinity. It’s time to level out the scales a bit.
I know I can’t be the only one who has ventured onto my friendly neigborhood search engine for some tips on this subject, but the auto-fill suggestions stopped me in my tracks. There below my blinking cursor were the options, “Girl,” “Boy,” “Turkey Baster,” and “Condom.”
That last one concerns me.
It’s perfectly logical to long for a girl or a boy when you’re trying to get pregnant. Investigating a turkey baster is a little off-the-wall, but I’m going to give those internet searchers the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure there are some ladies out there who have access to sperm sans functioning penis. Perhaps there’s an unregistered sperm bank donation thing going on here. They need a little help and—voila!—turkey baster to the rescue. Or they just don’t want to do things the old-fashioned way. Whatever. I’m open-minded. I’ll try to take this one at face value.
But there is no reasonable situation on this Earth in which anyone should be attempting to get pregnant with a condom. I ventured forth through those search results to see what was being said on this topic. I was initially relieved and secondarily horrified. There were the obvious panicked teens at the top of the results. “We’ve always used protection and my period is late. I couldn’t have gotten pregnant with a condom, right?” Sorry kiddos. As you’ve now probably discovered, those things aren’t totally effective. Get thee to an obstetrician, STAT!
Beyond that, things got really murky. Forum postings like, “My husband and I want to have a baby but prefer sex with condoms. How can I get pregnant with a condom?” Um. No. First off, nobody prefers sex with a condom. They’re rubbery and slippery and frictiony and all-around uncomfortable. You’re obviously trying to get pregnant to rope your husband/boyfriend/casual hookup into parenthood against his will.
Further down the internet rabbit hole, women were openly discussing the idea of poking holes in condoms and going as far as pulling them out of the trash. Some dude in Canada tried to ensnare his girlfriend by sabotaging his own condoms, resulting in criminal charges and jail time! Bewildered men across the globe had their own conversations on the matter, with some suggesting flushing condoms or dribbling hot sauce into condoms post-coitus to kill the little swimmers and offer a nice surprise to any ladies who might try any underhanded tactics.
With all the weird discussion on the world wide web, I don’t have much else to say on the matter other than to offer a singular voice of reason; do not try to get pregnant with a condom. It’s never a good idea.
Read More of To Maternity…and Beyond!
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN