Sibling Rivalry: Learning to Get Along

by Ericka Lutz

Almost all of my earliest memories involve my sister—and she's three years younger than me. Long ago, in a time before car seats or even mandatory seat belts, my dad and I picked up my sister and my postpartum mom at the hospital. I remember sitting in the front seat of the old gray Chevy station wagon between my parents. My mom held the baby's top part, and I got to hold her feet. She was my baby, after all.

A few more memories of baby Jessica in her high chair, baby Jessica learning to walk, toddler Jedgie in the bath with me, Little Jedge wanting to play . . . and then not a lot else. What happened? My parents were concerned about sibling rivalry, so we were separated into different activities, different friends, different lives.

As an adult in my late twenties, I had to build my relationship with my sister because there wasn't a lot to rebuild—so it's with delight and dismay that I observe siblings who are close—and stay close—all the way through childhood.

Sibling struggles can be terrible for parents. Sibling successes can be among the most gratifying. How, then, can you help your little one build a strong, fruitful relationship with your littlest one—a relationship that will last and last, long after you've faded, gone gray and saggy, and possibly departed to greener pastures? Here are a few thoughts on the matter:

  • Having two or more kids is a completely different ballgame than having one because a great deal of your job description shifts to referee. And this starts on day one—little Petunia doesn't have her parents' utter and complete focus anymore. After all, babies take a great deal of time and energy—your toddler's needs may not seem so immediate. (Actually, the key word here is seems).
  • It can be tempting to simply separate the little ones when they struggle. Certainly if the baby is in danger of being physically hurt, you need to step in. Part of your ref job is to keep them safe from each other. But more on this in a moment.
  • Siblings can—and will—feel ambivalent about each other. If you acknowledge this ambivalence, you'll save all of you a lot of tense moments. Even a toddler can understand the concept of ambivalence: "I can see you feel two ways about Baby Johnny, Petunia. You love him and you are also sometimes unhappy he is here."
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