Let Them Learn

“It’s incredibly harmful,” emphasizes Dr. Pascoe. Psychotherapist, social worker, and author Joe Kort, MA, MSW, ACSW, concurs, “It’s traumatizing to the child and shaming that will likely manifest into low self-esteem.”

Once children enter elementary school, though, it may be a kindness to help them understand that their cross-gender behavior might invite teasing and trouble. Dr. Pascoe suggests, “Let your son know it’s OK to paint [his] nails, but we live in a world that hasn’t caught up with that, so if [he] goes to school like this, [he] might be teased. Explain the reality and ask him if he wants to deal with it.”

Kort suggests that allowing an older child to freely express himself or herself at home will make it easier to conform publicly and potentially avoid bullying. Just remind your football-loving daughter that it’s not her problem, but the problem of other people; it is a sad but prevailing notion that having unique likes and dislikes is somehow wrong.

Give kids a heads-up that their decision could have negative consequences, but give them the power to make their own choices.

Lev reminds parents, “We can force children to dress a certain way and we can eliminate toys from their toy box, but can we change who they are? We really can’t.”

In a nutshell, letting a girl dress like Darth Vader for Halloween or giving a boy a baby doll does not confuse their young minds. Play is about fun. Allowing kids to decide what they think is fun will not create a sissy or a tomboy: It will create a happy, well-rounded child.