Raising Boys: Parenting Beyond Male Stereotypes

Aggression is seen all the time in the preschool classroom, at the park, in the home. Its roots can be as simple as hunger, fatigue, boredom, or even mimicking the latest move seen on the small screen. Certainly, aggression that is violent with real intent to hurt someone or that is integrated as a child's typical behavior warrants intervention.

Anti-social behavior is not the only red flag. "The concern is both over-internalization and over-externalization," says Dr. Hilliard, "The latter is often identified faster and more easily as aggression toward others. But a real concern is when stress is directed internally." So a boy who suddenly turns inward - becomes quiet at home, misses classes, loses interest in talking about school, who lacks peers, has sleep problems or appetite changes - may be struggling internally and sending out a mute S.O.S.. Depending on the situation, the family may want to take the next step and consult with outside guidance (a mental health professional, teacher or clergy member).

While the boy who turns inward may unfortunately be overlooked, the outspoken and/or physical child gets the attention. Psychologists Philip Rodkin, Thomas Farmer, Ruth Pearl and Richard Van Acker conducted a study of 452 fourth to six grade boys that found that boys displaying "antisocial behaviors," such as "tending to argue, be disruptive, get into trouble and starting fights," were viewed as popular by their peers, teachers and themselves. "If they aren't aggressing against one another, peer groups, aggressive children or non-aggressive children, form (among other reasons) to provide social support," says Dr. Rodkin, a Professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. One of the concerns raised from this study is that these boys may resist changing their behavior as they develop into teens and adults if their "antisocial behaviors" are associated with status, like popularity.

Most boys play "cops and robbers" and still develop into mature, likable, balanced adults. Spending quality time with your son, actively listening to him, accepting his feelings (even the negative ones), encouraging him to talk about his experiences and thoughts, and really being there with him makes all the difference. "I think it's very important to support my son when he shows an interest in wearing necklaces and bracelets, wanting to care for a baby doll, dance like a princess, draw a picture, choosing a hot pink fanny pack just the same as I would when he wants to wrestle, play catch, or dig with his backhoe," says Claire Stephens about her three year old son, who can "name that truck" in less than one second. Australian-born Julie Duffield adds, "I am doing what most mums I meet are trying to do - raise SNAGS (a term used in Australia for sausages), which stands for Sensitive New Age Guys who feel comfortable and powerful about their differences."