Are You Raising a Poor Sport? Teaching Kids to Compete

Winning certainly isn't everything, but competition is part of life—and it's important that we teach our children to compete gracefully.

For as long as Rene Staudacher can remember, her son Jake has had a competitive edge. Be it a simple game of Chutes and Ladders or baseball playoffs, he is always out to win. "Jake doesn't like to lose," says Staudacher. "He sets very high standards for himself."

Luke Branson's first brush with competition came during a Sesame Street board game. "He was three years old, and it was the first time he had ever played a game," recalls his mother Liza. "We had played about three rounds, and I had let him win every time. Then it occurred to me I wasn't doing him any favors by not letting him lose." So the next round was not rigged and Luke lost. "Boy, was he upset!" Branson continues. "He sat on my lap and cried. He just didn't understand why he couldn't win all the time."

"Children start asking questions about competition around three to three-and-a-half years old," says Jessica Giles, assistant professor of psychology at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. "This is when they start to understand basic concepts of winning and losing—'I beat you to the door,' 'I finished my snack first.' It isn't until later that they begin to learn about games that involve numerical value, such as soccer or baseball."

Paige Powell, child psychologist at Texas Children's Hospital, agrees. "Winning and losing in sports doesn't have much meaning to preschoolers. They are more concerned about skill development, what they have almost done—'Did you see me catch that ball?' It is later, age seven or eight, when they start thinking in more competitive terms."

Experts agree it is normal to show disappointment in a bad play or lost game, but if a child's view of competition gets out of control, parents may need to intervene. Signs this may be happening include intense anger or crying, an abundance of negative self-talk, becoming overly anxious about competing, cheating, withdrawal from friends and other activities, unsportsmanlike conduct, and/or using performance enhancing drugs. If any of these symptoms appear, it's time for a discussion.

"Give your child time to cool down, and then talk it over," says Giles. "Find out why he was so upset. Then reframe it—'What were the good things that happened on the field today? You didn't win, but you did do good things. Can you name a few?'"

Most important, reinforce what is and is not acceptable behavior. "Kids need to learn that losing is an important part of playing too," says Powell. "We learn things when we lose just like we do when we win, and children need to be good losers and good winners." This, she says, is best taught at home. "Children look to their parents to know how to live. They take their cues from us. We set the tone in how they view competition."

"Jake is just like his dad—he wants to win and hates to lose," says Staudacher. "But one thing I appreciate about my husband is that he keeps it all in perspective. From the sidelines I'll hear him say, 'That's OK, Jake. You can do it next time.' And if his team loses a game, his dad focuses on the positive and reminds Jake how important it is to congratulate the winning team."