9 Random Questions for Author of I Heart My Little A-Holes
The woman behind the hugely popular humor blog and new best-selling book answers burning questions like "Which child do you love more?"
Do you love your children? Do you love them enough to call them a-holes? Karen Alpert, also known as the blogger Baby Sideburns, certainly does…and she shows it in her hilarious, new best-selling book called, what else, “I Heart My Little A-Holes.” Alpert was kind enough to take time out from scrubbing smoothies off her kitchen ceiling to respond to nine random questions from me. Much like her book, her answers do not disappoint.
How is writing a book like giving birth to a baby? Is there more or less blood involved?
Well, writing a book is ridiculously painful and no one asks you if you want drugs, so I guess it kind of sucks worse. Yeah, it’s worse. Then again, I had two C-sections, so what do I know? Oh, but at least when the book is done I’ll get to sleep through the night. Wait, no I won’t. Two little a-holes will still be waking me up at all hours of the night. Ugggh.
Why a-holes? Were other body part-inspired nicknames taken?
Yeah, at first I had “I Heart My Little Nipples,” but my nipples haven’t been little since I was preggers with Zoey. Obviously I’m kidding. Truth be told, I have no clue how or when I came up with the title of the book (translation: wine was probably involved).
Did you always want to be a mom or did you just get sick of watching TLC marathons at some point?
Okay, first of all, I NEVER got sick of watching TLC marathons. Secondly, I think there was a time when I said I didn’t want kids as a defense mechanism because I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to. I wasn’t a spring chicken when I met my husband. Proof: spring chickens don’t say crap like “spring chicken.” But deep down inside, yes, I think I always wanted to be a mom. Well, BEFORE I had kids at least. Now I’m not so sure. Kidding.
Who is the better mom: you or Jennifer Garner?
Jennifer Garner. But I’m better looking.
Which child do you love more? If you’re stuck on this question, feel free to count up which child gets more mentions in the book and we’ll just conclude that that one is clearly the one you favor.
I love the cat more. He’s so easy. Plus, he looks more like me, and I’m not kidding. Oh, and he poops in a box.
If this book makes you a ton of money, are you going to start paying your husband to leave the seat down?
He already does. Once he didn’t. That was all it took.
You’re alone on a desert island that includes exactly two edible things: Olives and Cheerios from your minivan floor. What will you subsist on?
I choose death by starvation.
How many Girl Scout cookies does it take to achieve the perfect post-baby body?
This is a trick question. There is no such thing as the “perfect” post-baby body. ‘Cause even if your belly looks good, there’s no way your boobs look the same as they used to. And your hips are always wider. And there are bags under your eyes. No wait, I’m changing my response. The correct answer is a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies. The answer to pretty much any question on earth is a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.
Will there be any more lovable a-holes in your future?
Yes. We might get another cat someday.
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN