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Shannon Miller…
Night Terrors
People warned me about how much my life was going to change when I had my first baby—how I would never get to sleep in again (true); how I would rarely go out for a date with my husband anymore (true); and how my house would forevermore be in one of three states: messy, messier, and call the plow truck (also true). During all of this talk of life changes, however, nobody ever mentioned another significant adjustment: how motherhood would change the clothes I wore. Although I initially vowed to avoid "dressing like a mom," it turns out that certain changes were inevitable. Here are:
Top 10 Ways My Wardrobe Has Changed Since Becoming a Mom
10. Instead of wearing colors that flatter my skin tone, I wear colors that camouflage juice stains, spit-up, and magic marker.
9. My once-short hemlines are now longer to ensure I don't flash all the kids on the playground when bending over to pick up my son.
8. My sexy bras have been replaced with engineer-designed contraptions to hoist the girls back up to where they once resided—and complemented with Spanx underwear to squeeeeeze my waistline into pre-baby proportions.
7. I no longer wear earrings, thanks to my grabby 16-month-old and my aversion to ripped earlobes. Sunglasses are also a bad idea around grabby hands.
6. Although I haven't broken down and bought one yet, I now understand the allure of a fanny pack.
5. I've substituted a good spit-rub for a washing machine more times than I care to admit.
4. When I was a teenager, I always carried a comb in my back pocket. Today? I carry wipes.
3. I let my 3-year-old pick out my undergarments at the store, which explains why I am wearing Minnie Mouse underwear.
2. Instead of searching for calf-flattering stilettos, I search for shoes that will allow me to jump up and down and "dance like a monkey" when my preschooler demands that I do so.
1. My purse is no longer a cute place to put my lipstick and keys, but rather a sticky, milk-stained vessel for carrying half the contents of my house.