Q&A: Do you have any advice on custody issues?

by Dr. Karen Sadler

My husband of seven years and I are planning to separate. We have a 3 1/2-year-old boy, and a 6-month-old daughter. The split is unavoidable, but very amicable. We both agree that we'll do anything and everything to minimize any negative effects it might have on the children. I'm currently on a one-year maternity leave. I have both children at home full-time (and I´m loving it). My parents live across the street and are a big help. I plan to return to work next fall. My son is very attached to me, and not as close to his father who is often absent because of work. What would be the best custody arrangement for children this age? My husband agrees that the children should have a permanent home with me and that he should be able to see them anytime, but I'm not sure I'm ready to get into an agreement such as "every Wednesday and every other weekend." Neither is he. However, I'm not comfortable either with the idea of sleepovers for a few years, even where my son is concerned, let alone the baby! Do you have any advice?

I can't tell you what would be a 'best' custody arrangement, since it depends on you, your children, your husband and your changing needs. But I can tell you two important factors that affect how children fare in divorce.

The first is that they benefit when both parents are very actively involved in their lives, as long as the parents provide healthy and loving care, of course. The second is that children get a healthier upbringing when the parents become a good parenting team. When fighting and bitterness take the place of consistent rules, kids lose out (so I'm glad there is amicability between you and your spouse).

So, if your first priority is the welfare of the children, your spouse should be a large part of their lives, which means sharing them for days and, yes, nights. Though structure is important for very young children such as yours, that structure can include two households. Eventually, if the separation is permanent, you both need to move on and will likely re-marry. If their father re-marries, your children need a valid place in that new household as well.

Below are some resources recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics that you may find helpful:

1. American Academy of Pediatrics: Divorce and Children. Elk Grove Village, Il. 1999
2. Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who are Separated, Divorced or Remarried. New York, NY Simon and Shuster, 1997.

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