Friendships after Infertility

Here's some old news: Infertility treatments aren't part of anyone's ideal way to build a family. Whether your need for fertility help was due to medical problems, age, or the aggravating "unexplained" diagnosis, there are few people who are pleased to grace the entrance of a fertility clinic. Even if you sidestepped the treatment route entirely and headed straight for growing your family through adoption, you may have encountered twinges of remorse along the way that this was your fate.

If you suffered through multiple miscarriages, you've felt the heartache of a missed opportunity and grieved the loss of your child. Through the months and years ahead, you may continue to remember each miscarriage and reflect wistfully as each due date comes and goes. You may wonder about the person who could have been, especially when you see children the same age running around as your still missed children. It might be hard to maintain friendships with people who have older children, especially since their Little League schedule doesn't ever mesh with your child's nap times.

If you haven't already done so, acknowledge your lost fantasy and accept the fact that your experience wasn't ideal or the one that you had imagined. Then remind yourself that no one truly has all that. (After all, even that woman who's got it made in the fertility shade probably has obstacles and troubles in other areas of her life.)

As an infertility survivor, you know better than most people how little control we have over our lives. After you acknowledge the loss of your "dream family," embrace the reality and love the people who are your family today.

Excerpted with permission from The Belated Baby: A Guide to Parenting After Infertility by Jill S. Browning and Kelly James-Enger, published by Cumberland House, ©2008.