Mirth Control: Contraception Is a Laughing Matter

Cindy: "The windsock-like female condom has two rings—an outer ring and a floating ring that act like a diaphragm with a skirt once in place. The one time I tried it, insertion was like the diaphragm cram fest but when I stood up with the rig in place, it hung halfway to my knees, swinging like the Liberty Bell. I recovered from the shock of discovering that I had an exceptionally short vagina, and regained focus enough to begin my steamy walk to the bed. 'Fwap fwap fwap' it went as it swung against my inner thighs. My husband and I both realized that this would not be one of the sessions where the stars aligned, the skies opened up, and we were transported to some other dimension. This would be a science experiment. Usually lubrication is provided by the woman, but with the female condom hanging to my knees, artificial lubrication was required. Fortunately, they send a tube of the stuff along with the condom. We put in a squirt and gave it a go. The lube ran out quickly. Another squirt and gave it a go until it got squeaky. My husband decided he should just hold the lube tube for the sake of continuity. Squirt, squirt, squirt—another go. I started to laugh, 'I feel like the Tin Man with you and your oil can.' He was not amused, 'Stay focused, stay focused!' Needless to say, I got very little out of that session, and my husband, though he managed some semblance of closure to the event, admitted he felt like 'the boy in the plastic bubble.'"

Edie: "Most of my young adult life I used oral contraception, as in, 'Just say no.' Given my limited number of shots on goal combined with a reproductive system that conveniently went dormant with the stress of athletic competition, birth control never dominated my thoughts. I certainly never mastered it, and in fact one of my greatest blessings was a product of the Conception Accelerator (the diaphragm). Apparently I missed one or more of the seven steps of highly effective diaphragm use."