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Friendships after Infertility
You are finally a parent! So why do you still feel some of the bitterness of infertility?
Resentment that built up during your infertile years may not automatically evaporate once you're a parent. In this excerpt from The Belated Baby: A Guide to Parenting After Infertility, the authors acknowledge those leftover infertile emotions, and discuss how you can move on to meaningful relationships with old friends and fellow parents—regardless of how they got there.
When you were hoping to become a parent, maybe you glamorized the other side of the fence. Once you were a mom yourself, you imagined, you'd immediately fall into a close circle of fellow moms, and find all the love and laughter and support they seemed to share when you were watching from "outside." You'd no longer feel alone, or outside the group—with a baby, you've gained entrée, at last!
If only it were that easy. Friendships can be just as challenging once you become a parent as they were before—or at least as complex. One of the best ways to work through your residual bitter feelings is by having strong, supportive friendships. But after going through infertility, those friendships may have changed.
Through Thick and Thin
Did you reach out to your friends during your fertility struggles, or retreat and become a total recluse? How you went about managing your social life during your darkest days may influence who your best buddies will be as you enter parenthood.
If you are the type of person who talks openly and often about all aspects of your life, you probably wore your heart on your sleeve pre-kid. Many of your friends may have known month-by-month (or day-by-day) what you were experiencing, and followed your cycles right along with you like watching a real-life soap opera. They sent cards and candy after each failed attempt, and backed you 100 percent when you vowed to try again.
If a friend had gone through infertility herself, she may have been extra tuned in to your needs, and perfectly understanding about your moods. She didn't require a lengthy explanation of each procedure; she didn't judge you on the ethics of your choices. If she was green about what is involved in treatments, though, you grew to dread her looks of pity, especially if she was busy managing a crew of kids herself.
In either case, your friendships either grew stronger, or eventually your woes wore out their welcome. Infertility served as a litmus test, and filtered out the true friends from the flakes. You emerged from the experience knowing who will stand by you and now help you become the best parent you can be.
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