Tips for Handling Anger

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Anger is real, normal, and everyone experiences it. Learn ways to express your anger that don't hurt, belittle, or insult your children, and find out how to best handle your child's anger.

Anger. It's real. It's normal. Everyone experiences it. However, you can find ways to express your anger that don't hurt, belittle, or insult your children.

Anger in its destructive form can make a child's misbehavior worse. If you control your reaction to something your child does, the behavior will stop sooner, won't last as long, or be as severe. Both you and your child will feel better about how you handled the situation.

This does not mean that you shouldn't get angry when your child misbehaves. Children need to understand that their behavior upsets you. Most importantly, they need to understand why you are upset. For example, if your child loses a pair of scissors, you need to say, "I'm upset because I need those scissors for my sewing project," rather than name calling.

All children will misbehave, and anger is inevitable. If you are having trouble handling your anger, here are a series of techniques to help you keep calm and plan your reaction to their behavior.

Four Steps to Control Your Anger

1. Stop: Pause for a moment and cool off. Don't discipline the child while you are angry.
   
2. Think: Read the situation quickly. Try to determine what is really happening.
   
3. Plan: Form a plan. Evaluate the problem, have a purpose, set goals, think of alternatives.
   
4. Act: Carry out your decision

Calm Yourself

• Count to ten very slowly. Concentrate on the counting, regardless of what your child is doing.
  
  
• Put your hands in your pockets to help you resist the urge to use them to threaten or hit your child.
  
  
• Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Pretend you are releasing steam from your body.
  
  
• Get away from the situation. Go into another room or take a walk. This gives both you and your child some time to cool off.
  
  
• Talk with your partner, a close friend, or a relative. Talking it through will help you develop creative ideas for dealing with the situation.
  
  
• Take time to think about how you're reacting to the situation. Why are you angry with your child? Is the child misbehaving because he wants attention, is angry himself, feels discouraged, frustrated, or does not have his needs met?

For example: Tory was angry that his father would not let him go out to play after supper. Tory: "You're dumb. I hate you!" Father: "Tory, no name calling. Say, `I don't like it cause I want to go out.' Then it's easier for us to talk."

Say You're Sorry

There is no doubt you will get angry. There may be times you say something you regret saying to your child. If your child said something similar to you, you would expect an apology. The same expectation also applies to parents.

Many parents worry that apologizing will undermine their authority with their children. Perhaps their parents never apologized or admitted they were wrong to them. An apology serves several purposes.

• Restores good feelings between you and your child.
  
  
• Reduces resentment a child may feel because of your outburst.
  
  
• Gives a chance to talk things over, understand what caused the behavior, and discuss what to do instead.
  
  
• Teaches children how to behave when they make a mistake.

Because anger is inevitable, parents should also help their children learn how to deal with this often confusing and frightening feeling.

What Causes Anger in Young Children?

• Frustration
  
• Needing attention
  
• Feeling powerless
  
• Being misunderstood
  
• Not feeling good about themselves
  
• Feeling helpless
  
• Being belittled or made fun of
  
• Not having physical needs taken care of
  
• Having a parent take over instead of asking if the childwants help
  
• Being disappointed
  
• Having difficulty saying what they need
  
• Being punished
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