Dealing with Your Own Twin Preferences

The Positives of Preferences

Is it wrong to prefer the baby who is less demanding? Is it unforgivable to be frustrated with the baby who feeds so slowly? Is it sinful to feel victimized by a baby's colic screaming? Is it unhealthy to be grateful that one baby is more easygoing?

Having a preference for one baby or the other in these early months of their lives is not a bad thing at all; in fact, it can be a good thing because it helps parents feel a differentiated connection to each baby. And feeling connected to each one is what's most important. Too often parents unwittingly abdicate their connection to each baby in favor of connecting to the two as a set because they feel guilty about having unequal feelings toward them.

When parents are uncomfortable having different feelings for each baby, they may lump the two together, physically and emotionally, which jeopardizes each child's need for a separate relationship with his or her parent.

Preferring to be with one or the other baby at particular times is not necessarily negative. Deciding which twin to take to the market, to bring to the park, to go for a walk with, or to read a book to does not imply more or less love for one or the other child. It is simply a way to choose how to be alone with each baby.

From the book Emotionally Healthy Twins by Joan Friedman, Ph.D. Reprinted by arrangement with Da Capo Lifelong (www.dacapopress.com), a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright © 2008.