The License to Parent Test
It’s often been said that you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, but any fool can become a parent. Well, what if there were a test to become a parent? It would have to include these ten parenting challenges!
Potential parents must first go at least two weeks without any REM sleep before they attempt the rest of the challenges.
Applicants must watch the feature film, The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland, followed by a full season of Sesame Street. Extra points for perfecting an Elmo impression.
Bodily Fluids Tolerance
“Number one” and “number two,” drool, spit-up, and blood are but a few of the fluids applicants must show a tolerance for.
Potential parents must maintain composure as a four-year-old asks “Why?” one hundred times in a row. Extra points for being able to explain why the sky is blue.
Skill With Awkward Adolescents
Applicants must successfully feign interest as a frizzy haired, brace-faced adolescent explains why Quidditch is actually a really awesome and totally legitimate game.
Competency With Teenagers
Potential parents must wake a surly teenager for school every day for a week. Extra points for getting them to eat breakfast, make it to first period, and not roll their eyes.
Applicants must successfully complete meal with a toddler at a packed restaurant on Saturday night. Extra points for doing so without crayons.
Ability To Play Pretend
Potential parents must spend an afternoon with my daughter, Annabel, playing restaurant, princesses, or doctor. Annabel will be interviewed afterward to determine your ability.
Agree To Term
Document must be signed acknowledging that the applicant’s life will not even remotely resemble life pre-kids until at least 2031 (and probably not even then).
Put Down Your Pencils!
If after completing these challenges an applicant still wants to become a parent, congratulations! An official license to parent will be issued immediately!
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