The 10 Best Things About Being a Mother of "Advanced Maternal Age"

I was 34 years old and reveling in the glow of my first pregnancy , when I spotted it stamped on my chart: "Advanced Maternal Age."

Let me tell you something: Nothing makes you feel advanced in age faster than seeing "ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE" on your own medical chart. I lost the glow and sprouted twenty grey hairs on the spot—I kid you not. Even though I still considered myself a sprightly young lass, the fact that I would be 35 when I gave birth to my baby made me practically geriatric to the medical community.

Despite the less-than-flattering description, I'd like everyone to know there are plenty of great things about being an "older" mom:

The 10 Best Things About Being a Mother of "Advanced Maternal Age"

10. When my kids ask me to help them with their U.S. History homework, they'll be impressed to find out I was once friends with Abraham Lincoln.

9. My creaking bones are good for waking up the kids for school in the morning.

8. I can post silly things about myself on the social network of my generation—MySpace—without worrying that my kids will ever discover them.

7. Diminishing vision means harder to see spots on furniture and dirt on clothes. (Ignorance is bliss!)

6. I can make my kids roll their eyes with stories such as, "I remember a time when you had to WALK to the television to change the channel…"

5. When the kids ask why I'm not eating my vegetables, I can just dismissively say, "Heartburn—it's an old person thing."

4. I don't think anybody would question me if I wrapped my furniture in plastic.

3. Bad lower back means I have the perfect excuse for making the kids clean up all the toys.

2. When I "forget" to bake cookies for the PTA event, I can just blame it on old age.

1. I can use my cane to whack anybody who dares to say I am of "advanced maternal age" again.