"You're having a baby? When?!?" From the minute your urine turned the little stick pink or the nurse called with the news, (for some women, from the second of conception), every event of your pregnancy has focused towards one magic moment in the future: your due date. It's been emblazoned on your calendar and your co-workers' memories; it's practically been tattooed on your forehead. Well now the future is here. It came, it went, and you're still here waiting. And waiting.
All your friends and family are waiting, too. Your bags are packed (you check the contents daily). They sit, sullen and neglected, by the front door. The "happy day" has come and gone, the bus left without you, and, even though you know that only five percent of all women deliver on their due dates, you feel cheated, robbed, over-anxious, chomping at the bit. You've been handed a rain check for the World Series. The big bobsled race has been delayed because of gale winds. . . you get the idea.
Here you sit, a great big lump of a woman, bigger than you ever thought you could possibly be, all dressed up with no place to go. Well, not even dressed up—those once-cute maternity duds have turned to stretched-out, stained rags, but you're NOT buying another outfit now. You keep waiting for an urge to clean behind the stove (everybody SAYS that's a clear sign of impending labor). If this is your first child, you've been waiting for months (perhaps your whole life) to be initiated into the mysteries of womanhood but now, instead of gazing into the beautiful milky eyes of a newborn, you're seeing your OB-GYN so often that you can predict her shoe wardrobe rotation.
Remember way back when, a couple of months ago, when you had that sudden moment of sheer horror realizing that something the size of a cantaloupe (the baby's head) was going to HAVE to get out of a rather sensitive hole currently the size of a teaspoon. Well, now you're way past caring. It's gotta come out. If that's the only way, well then, you'll DEAL with it. AS SOON AS SOMEBODY LETS YOU!! Meanwhile, everybody keeps telling you, "Enjoy your freedom while you still have it," "Get a lot of rest, you're going to need it!" and other inane (and accurate) comments. You would kill them, except that it's too hard to stand up. Can't they understand you're primed, ready to rumble?