What Not to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
I put my foot in my mouth hundreds of times throughout my wife's pregnancy. So when it comes to what not to say, I'm a certified expert. Here's 10 things—of millions!—that you better stop yourself from saying if your wife is expecting.
What Not to Wear
If you ever say, “You’re going to wear that out to dinner!?” to your pregnant wife, you might as well pack your bags now. When your wife is pregnant, only talk about what she is wearing when asked. And when asked, always compliment her on something she’s wearing and how she looks so beautiful. Let her wear whatever she feels comfortable wearing, which will be extremely limited to say the least.
Fast Food, Again?
Tip: Just go with the crazy flow of food cravings that happen at all times of the day. If you ever find yourself saying something like, “I’m tired of going to Taco Bell for you, can you have an apple instead?” You better have the sentence, “I’m just kidding, I’d be happy to. What can I get you?” coming right after it. It’s best to let her eat what she wants, when she wants. If not, you’re asking for a fight.
My Hands Hurt
If you ever say, “Sorry. I don’t feel like rubbing your back tonight.” Be prepared to fight World War III. It is your duty, sir. And she’ll have no problem letting you know that you’re the one responsible for her back hurting. Suck it up and rub it. Secret: Use lotion with lavender and dim lights. It’ll make her fall asleep faster and save you a good half an hour.
Is It My Turn?
Once you’re finished rubbing her back and you say, “OK. My hands hurt. Can you rub my back now?” Be prepared for a battle you will not win. Her pregnancy hormones will kick in and you’ll get a verbal lashing. Your best options are either getting a massage or investing in one of those $5000 massager chairs we all like to sit at in the mall until our wife makes us get up.
Dare I Mention Sex?
I know. You’re going to ask her. Just be ready for the lack of it during various stages of your wife’s pregnancy. Here’s the good news: There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sex can help move the process along towards the end of pregnancy. It’s true. Print it out and show it to her. And believe me, it works. That and pineapple pizza worked for us.
Save a Bite
If your wife asks where the ice cream is and you reply, “Oh sorry, I ate the rest of it last night.” You better be walking towards the door with car keys in hand before you finish that sentence. Do not eat the last bite of anything. You just never know what she’s going to want to eat and if you finish the last of anything—you are going to the store. Again.
Emotions Gone Wild
You wife’s emotions are going to be all over the place like a drunk skunk. Never ever ask, “Why are you being so emotional?” or ask anything regarding her emotions. Yes, you will become the brunt of many of the emotional outbursts. It’s inevitable. You’re going to be walking on eggshells for months. Get used to it. And sorry, there is nothing that can prepare you for it. Beware.
Living Room Waterfalls
Want to see what it would look like if your house was directly hit by a 5,000-pound nuclear bomb? Say the sentence, “Can you please sit on a towel if you’re going to sit on the couch? I don’t want your water to break on it.” You say that and you’re pretty much dead if her pregnancy hormones are raging in high gear. Let the water fall where it falls. And yes, my wife’s water broke on our couch.
For the sake of all mankind, let her sleep. Pregnancy rule #2819, never ever make comments like, “I wish you would stop sleeping in so late” or “Seriously, are you going to sleep all day?” You, my friend, have just opened up the doors to the “You got me into this” speech. It’s best to just never mention her new sleeping habits.
Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing that can prepare you for what you will go through when it comes to your wife’s pregnancy gas. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, you’re the target of the gas attacks. Best to keep your mouth and nose shut and not mention anything about it to her. Rolling down the windows while it’s pouring rain to get some fresh air is not advised. Been there. Done that.
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