Handling Unwanted Comments During Pregnancy

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Talk First, Think Later

Katherine Cowan of Beverly Hills, California, is seven months pregnant. She tends to give birth to large babies, and for that reason, at seven months, she looks full term. "A few weeks ago I was walking down the street and a man stopped and said to me, 'You are due any day aren't you?'" says Cowan. "Needless to say I was a little annoyed, but all I did was smile and continue walking."

Cowan says she was even more sensitive to these sorts of comments during her first pregnancy. "I would have been stewing over that one for the rest of my pregnancy last time," she says. "This time I just started wondering where people like that man got the guts to make such statements. You would think that because of the wild hormones running through the average pregnant woman that would be enough to make most people avoid them as much as possible. But no—for some reason people tend to think that a pregnant woman is fair game and that she is just dying to talk about all aspects of pregnancy with no reservations at all."

Kindness Prevails

Rudeness permeates society today, and it is a growing problem, according to Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. But when it comes to pregnancy, there is a certain irony to the rudeness women encounter.

"Most people will do whatever they can to make sure pregnant ladies are comfortable and cared for at all times," says Landon Cowan, Katherine's husband. People will offer up seats on the bus, open doors, carry bags, and do other kind deeds not usually offered up to non-pregnant women.

Perhaps it is these unusual random acts of kindness that make people feel more comfortable around pregnant women. Or perhaps this kindness is extended in order to ask questions. People are interested in babies and pregnancy. New life is exciting, and it seems like everyone wants to share in it.

Diffusing the Situation

Some women are able to deal with unwanted advice and intrusive questions with a smile and an easy comeback, but most women end up speechless from shock or anger. There are ways to diffuse the situation, however:

• Visualize the situation before it happens. "Get a clear picture of yourself responding to the question," says Tessina. "Rehearse different reactions. You always have choices: you can laugh, walk away, get thoughtful, be afraid, be angry, or be reasonable."
• Deflect the question. "The easiest and classiest way to deflect a rude person's questions or comments is to simply turn it around and ask them: 'I wonder what makes you ask that question?'" says Nancy Irwin, a psychologist in Los Angeles. "Usually they apologize. If not, they will say: 'Oh, I'm just curious or interested.' Then [you can] just say, 'Oh, I see.'"
• Feign ignorance. "Most men and women actually fear asking if a woman is pregnant," says Landon Cowen. "After all, what if the woman in question just has an unfortunate body type and merely looks three months pregnant? So, when the slack-jawed man in the grocery store says, 'The baby must be due any minute,' simply look confused (or furious) and respond, 'What baby?' Hilarity ensues."
• Walk away. It's not always the easiest course of action, but it is often the most effective. People can't be rude or intrusive if you leave.