13 Things I Don't Miss About Being Pregnant
Sure there are things I miss about being pregnant—the sweet baby kicks, the lustrous hair, the excitement about the little one you are soon to meet, the not having a period. But, let’s be real—there are things that also really suck about being pregnant. Here are the things I don’t miss.
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Was it some kind of cruel joke played on me by me to crave baby-back ribs dipped in blue cheese dressing throughout my pregnancy? Because not only did it register off the charts on the “what will definitely make my butt bigger” scale, but it gave me massive heartburn. But really, it didn’t even take something so gross to get my GERD pumping. Even the healthy stuff, raw broccoli, brussel sprouts, and tomatoes, gave me heartburn from time to time. What’s up with that?
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Peeing All Night Long
How often did I say this to my husband, “Are you sure it’s not sexy to wear an adult diaper to bed?” towards the end of my pregnancy. He would sympathetically look at me and then smirk to keep it “jokey” and also to gently say, “In the event you are not joking, please don’t make that happen.” How often did he have to “unsee” things when I was pregnant to keep it sexy between us? Daily.
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The Mask of Pregnancy
As if you aren’t wearing pregnancy loud and proud enough as it is, how about some weirdly-patterned hyper-pigmentation on your face? Perhaps it was nature’s way of diverting attention from your “big as a house” belly. Because when you’re feeling big and huge in the ninth month of pregnancy, a mustache shadow on your skin is just the thing you need. Said nobody.
The Quease Factor
To this day, the smell of Chinese Chicken Salad from the Cheesecake Factory makes me panic and start producing that pre-vomit saliva. And I still get weak in the knees from the taste of sloppy joes. Yeah, I definitely do not miss those sick bouts and the sudden onset of nausea. And sometimes, anything would bring it on. Eating, not eating, sitting up too fast, breathing, blinking one or both eyes… you can’t predict what will do it, what will suddenly send you to bowel movement overdrive or upchuck alley. Or both.
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This one really hurt. It’s really difficult for a sushi-loving, Japanese girl to refrain from eating sushi and sashimi for nine months. It was one of the foods I craved the most, and there was just no satiating alternative. Nothing could simulate the texture and flavor of fresh, raw fish. And probably, that’s a good thing, might I add.
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No Lying on Your Stomach
During the first half of pregnancy, I was constantly stressing about sleep-rolling onto my stomach in the night. Whenever I’d wake up stomach-down, I’d spend a good 5 minutes freaking out about it and then another 30 searching results for “What happens when I sleep on my stomach in the ___ week”. That scenario happened weekly, until I physically couldn’t roll onto my belly. And then at that point, I wasn’t supposed to sleep on my back. Cue repeat of the freaking out/ Google sessions.
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Obstructed View of My Lower Half
I hated that I couldn’t easily see what was happening below my belt. And by “what was happening below my belt,” I mean “what was happening with my junk.” I normally like to keep things in check “down there”, keeping it groomed and waxed. You know, treating it right. But, that big belly made it near impossible to check on my lady parts without a mirror. And after months of neglect, it was probably best I couldn’t see it.
I don’t miss having narcolepsy the first and third trimesters of pregnancy. That came-out-of-nowhere-exhaustion that would cause you to need to “rest your eyes” right then and there. Nope, don’t miss nodding off while in the middle of eating lunch, or while in the shower.
Yeah, everything on you seems to move a little slower when you’re pregnant. Even your intestines are sluggish. The pressure my big belly put on my bowels along with all those pregnancy hormones relaxing my bowel muscles really halted movement down there. There were times when I actually pep-talked my lazy bowels. Like, I was encouraging my bowels, out loud.
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You can’t carry anything more precious than a human life. That’s the most precious cargo ever. And knowing that, I found myself worrying about things like whether or not I had just stressed baby out with my crazy road rage rant, or if my baby was harmed when my belly collided with a stranger’s shopping cart at a blind corner at the top of the pasta aisle, if she’s was kicking enough or too much or if I was eating way too much soy.
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Strangers Touching My Belly
No, I didn’t mind having friends or family put their hand on my belly to feel the baby kick or turn around. I didn’t even mind the occasional soft, full-hand touch to the belly in a awkward, tender way. If it was by someone I knew. But, I did mind total strangers walking up with no problem just full-on caressing my belly, patting it like a pillow or petting it like a kitten while they talked to me about their grandchild/niece/neighbor’s daughter, who I didn’t know.
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As healthy and smart as I tried to eat during pregnancy, my butt still grew no matter what I did. I assume it was a case of sympathy pregnancy on my butt’s part. It’s true, my butt was being sympathetic to my belly, growing right along with it.
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Let’s just say my belly wasn’t the only thing poppin’ during the last trimester of my pregnancy. Let’s keep it at that. Let’s just keep it at that.
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