Fancy That: Baby Clothes for the One Percent
For the discerning baby.
When I saw that J.Crew had a new line of baby clothes, I was relieved. Now, I can stop throwing money away at those shoddily constructed Etsy clothes and show my baby’s superiority the way God intended: with a $178 cashmere romper. Because how else is my baby supposed to exude pretension?
I mean, is my baby actually supposed to wear Carters? Like a peasant. When we go to Kindermusik I don’t want poorer babies mistaking my child for a playmate. My child is a magical snowflake who only spits up rainbows. And how else can I distinguish him from all those grunting pooping masses of infants out there? J. Crew has the answer and that answer is Italian cashmere. It’s so easy to care for. I just throw it in the spin cycle with a detergent that costs a dollar an ounce. Then, I carefully hang it to dry next to the diamond pacifier and the cashmere sweater he has for those times when he wants to go to the park, but not actually play. Just kidding. The maid does the wash.
And thank God, J.Crew finally came out with baby moccasins. Now I can buy mine from the same place Michelle Obama gets her dresses and not a plebeian website run by hippies. I mean, what else will my child wear to perfectly accessorize with the $58 bloomers? Bare feet and socks are for babies of the 99%. A cashmere sweater with an anchor is the perfect way to communicate at the Library that, at 3 months old, my child has his own yacht. Ha. I’m sorry. Library? I meant when our nanny takes our child to dine at Le Bernardin.
The J.Crew baby line is perfect for the discerning infant who eschews the kitsch of baby trends. Nothing says “class” like a purple cashmere sweater with “Je Taime” written on it. “Je Taime” which translates to, “I love being better than you.” I mean, Sophie the Giraffe? Honestly. We hired a village child to be a my infant’s chew toy. And we will be buying the leggings and blankets so my child can poop on hand-crafted Italian cashmere like he was born to do. Only $178 for that romper? Frankly, it doesn’t cost enough.
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