Q&A: I have a difficult 3-year-old. How do I manage his behavior?

Here are some typical preschool behaviors and management tips:

• Defiance is commonly seen in this age group, taking the form of open disobedience, talking back and breaking rules. It seems deliberate, but is still quite normal.
  
• Unlike a young toddler, a preschooler knows he is breaking rules, but still has a developmental and emotional need to do so. This, like most developmental phases, usually passes with time.
  
• Limit setting is still VERY important for you to do. Preschoolers need those boundaries even as they test them, to feel safe and secure and to learn to set their own boundaries later.
  
• Consistency is crucial for the limits you choose to set, but being flexible on the less important issues helps your child feel a sense of control. For example, if he dresses himself and ends up mismatched, is it really important for him to change?
  
• Take a step back often and remind yourself that unruly preschool behavior isn't a criticism of you as a parent.
  
• His verbal skills are getting better: try to encourage him to express his feelings through his words instead of his actions. It should be OK for him to tell you, "I'm really mad at you", then hopefully you can talk through what he is feeling.
  
• Time-outs and lost privileges are perfectly acceptable consequences for bad behavior, but balance this out with 'time-ins' for good behavior as often as you can. This shows him how to behave as well as how not to.
  
• With the arrival of your daughter, your son experienced a major life change four months ago. For the first time in his life he has had to share you as a parent. Try to set aside some time, each day if you can, to devote exclusively to him, just like you did in (what's for him) the 'old days'.