Baby Shower Etiquette: Can Mom-to-Be Ask for One?

While some moms-to-be may have too many people wanting to make cute diaper sandwiches and decorate their homes in pink, yellow, and blue, some may not have friends and family who are gung-ho about hosting a baby shower. Is it OK to ask someone to throw one for you?

Some Say "No"

Colleen A. Rickenbacher, a business etiquette expert and author of Be on Your Best Business Behavior, has a two-word response to that question: poor taste. "Of course she can always hint but it should be suggested and initiated by a friend or a family member, but not her mother or sister," she says.

Alison Minton, an event planner and hospitality consultant in New York City, agrees. "I think this is in poor taste," she says. "Between the mom-to-be's friends and family someone should step up to the plate."

How You Ask

Oliver Mims, an etiquette and manners expert, feels it depends on how you ask. "Times have changed and women are busier than they have ever been," Mims says. "As a result mom-to-be can end up feeling slighted. On the other hand, host-to-be can feel burdened by the request. To avoid this, take the intended host out to lunch and tell them that you would like them to throw you a shower. If they agree, offer to help gather names for invitations and take on some of the responsibility. Planning any event is a big undertaking and there is nothing worse than a resentful host."

Dropping Hints

While flat out asking may be rude, Emily Miles Terry, coauthor of Nesting: It's a Chick Thing and columnist for Disney's Family.com, suggests dropping some hints to the right people. "You can ask, or hint madly, to your sister or mother or best friend ('I sure do hope someone throws me a shower...'), but asking outright is presumptuous, if not rude, because throwing a nice shower can be very expensive and time-consuming—and it's not something you should ask or demand that someone take on," she says.

Dawn Sepaugh, a mother of three from Kirkwood, Missouri, used this approach. "When I had my third baby almost six years after my second, I was in desperate need of new baby items, and also wanted to celebrate this pregnancy that took my husband and I almost five years to accomplish," she says. "I hinted a lot, especially when I found out I was having a boy after having two girls. Time for blue! My hinting paid off and a good friend of mine hosted a small shower for me that included co-workers, friends, and family."

Celebration is what a baby shower is all about—celebrating a new life that's been created and also the mom-to-be for a job well done. Kate Zabriskie, an etiquette expert at Business Training Works, Inc., in Port Tobacco, Maryland, sums it all up nicely to help everyone keep this joyous event in perspective: "If you are the hostess, you are having the party to honor the mother-to-be. If you are a guest, you are attending because you really want to be there. If you are the mother-to-be, you should be grateful that others want to do anything for you."