Are You Disciplining in Anger?

Understanding your stress reactions can help you curb bad parenting habits and discipline with warmth instead of anger.

We've all been guilty of becoming emotionally involved while disciplining a toddler or preschooler. The combined stressors of parenting needy children plus tackling real-life duties like paying bills, housekeeping, and making dinner make it easy to have a short fuse.

But are you crossing the exasperation line and disciplining in anger—yelling, accentuating the negative, suppressing your feelings, spanking, or taking things too personally? "We experience an average of 30 frustrations (heart hassles or mini-crises) a day. How we respond to the daily onslaught of aggravation determines how much stress we experience," notes Anna Maravelas, therapist, author, and president of TheraRising.com, a company that teaches classes in the workplace on the effectiveness of disciplinary messages delivered with anger versus warmth.

Signs of Destructive Discipline

Experts agree that recognizing stressors is the first step to curbing anger. "Then parents can begin to seek alternatives," explains Christine Hierlmaier-Nelson, communications specialist with Expressive Ink Communications in Foreston, Minnesota, and author of Green Yellow Go! Nat Knows Bananas, a Pre-K book that teaches patience.

According to Hierlmaier-Nelson and other communication experts, you may need to rethink how you discipline (and learn how to calm yourself) if you find yourself:

• Wanting to punish instead of instruct your child
• Feeling out of control
• Being embarrassed by your child's behavior
• Wanting to assert your authority as the parent

Learn how to keep your cool and stop struggling with this problem by becoming aware of and understanding your stress reactions.