Raising Boys: Parenting Beyond Male Stereotypes

Beyond snips and snails, and puppy dog tails

By Pam Gelman

Raising Boys: Parenting Beyond Male Stereotypes

In this article:
The Age Old Question: Nature or Nurture?
The Boys Movement
School Life
Stereotypes
Down Time at Home
Role of Culture
Warning Signs
Give William his Doll

What role will cultural stereotypes play in parenting your son? Take a look, then decide how they'll affect how you raise him.

It's a similar scene in any neighborhood park in America. Zooming under monkey bars in an urban east coast playground, jumping hay bales in middle America or flopping on the sand on a west coast beach, boys are pointing their fingers, playing cops and robbers, falling down dramatically and enjoying every minute of it. They're also laughing, roughhousing, making friends, communicating, negotiating, and honing many skills that are important for developing into well-adjusted teens and adults. But these same robust, young boys are at risk. It is undeniable and probably already happening - they are being influenced by gender stereotypes, often promoting aggression and a lack of emotion and expression. But with the support of responsive parenting, starting in the earliest years, these boys can become emotionally expressive and compassionate young men.

The Age Old Question: Nature or Nurture?

Baby boys and girls are born more alike than different, but there are important basic differences. As early as seven weeks post conception, the testosterone levels in male fetus's brains rise. In studies, including one performed at Rutgers University, newborn male babies were found to cry more than girl babies. Further research found that mothers unwittingly tend to discourage their newborn sons' unhappy expressions of emotions and encourage the more happy ones. In essence, even newborn males are expected to "hold in" their emotion.

Within two to three years, baby's biology and environment will contribute to the formation of his self-concept - one that is largely based on gender identity.

The Boys Movement

The concern for boys has finally reached the spotlight. For years, the focus was on the plight of girls - no matter how high she raised her hand in class, a girl just couldn't get called on. But then the American Association of University Women in America launched a riveting report on the "shortchanging" of girls, and the attention on girls snowballed. When the snowball stopped, the data became murky and slowly the concern switched to boys.

The hugely popular Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson and Real Boys by psychologist William Pollack have come to the aid of responsive parents, urging them to support their sons' emotional growth and their expression of feelings. More recently, Christina Hoff Sommers wrote the gripping book, The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism is Harming our Young Men, in which she differs by asking that boys not to be pathologized and for all of us to accept boys' masculinity. The message, however, is the same: respect him as a boy, help him develop communication skills, and be there for him.