Surviving with a Spirited Child

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Do you live with a strong-willed child who demonstrates intense temperaments? Learn how to help your child manage his or her "spirited" behavior and what you can do to diffuse problems or avoid them when possible.

"I've tried everything." Have you ever said this in regard to parenting, feeling utter frustration at your inability to help your child alter a behavior? Is your child's behavior often beyond your control or beyond your understanding?

Can You Relate?

When my oldest was four, she had five or six full-blown tantrums a day, ugly scenes in which she would lie on the floor kicking, screaming, and lashing out at me. To improve her behavior, I did try everything. I tried time-outs. I tried taking privileges and favorite toys away. I tried positive reinforcement and I tried bribery. I tried ignoring her. I tried negative reinforcement and I tried discussion. Nothing worked. I wondered if my daughter had a disorder that made her this way. I had her evaluated by school personnel and asked my doctor about her. They assured me she did not fit any diagnosis. I felt desperate and alone.

Then I learned I wasn't alone. I was surfing on the Internet and came across a message board for parents of "Spirited Kids." The parents there were talking about kids just like mine. "It can be isolating having a spirited child," says Deborah Shafritz, leader of that message board, parent educator, and mother. "It's great to know that you're not the only one. It's comforting and empowering, and it makes you feel like you're not a bad parent."

This supportive group of parents also introduced me to the books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, entitled Raising Your Spirited Child and its companion workbook, as well as Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. By reading these books and others, I learned that my daughter wasn't just bratty, ADD, or hyperactive. She was "spirited."

Who is the Spirited Child?

Kurcinka defines the spirited child as, "A normal child who is more. They are more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic." There is no medical diagnosis for spirit—the term is merely a way for parents to relate to their children and specific "spirited" behaviors.

It's likely that you've encountered many spirited kids throughout your life, as experts believe that approximately 20 percent of children in the United States are spirited. Many of these may receive misdiagnosis for other disorders such as ADHD. "This is because sometimes the underlying issues of temperament are not addressed first," Kurcinka says.

Helen Neville, BS, RN, and co-author of Temperament Tools: Working with Your Child's Inborn Traits, taught parenting classes in California for ten years when she noticed the differences between temperament issues and other diagnoses. "I'd worked with enough parents who were concerned, dedicated, and well-educated and who were trying hard," Neville says. "But the amount that these challenging kids pushed was different. It was more. Learning about temperament is the missing piece to parenting."