Managing Peer Influence on Your Child

How Involved Parents Can Shape Their Child's Experience

In this article:
Parental Involvement
Real Life
Handling the Squeeze

Though parents cannot shield their children from the cruel things kids' peers might do or say, parental involvement and good communication can help counteract negative experiences.

Children's peers—their friends and schoolmates—are influencing them at younger ages today, but parents can counteract even negative exposure with interaction and good communication.

"I see the effects of peer pressure every day. As a preschool director and teacher, I observe children's play and consult often with their parents," says Susie Kohl, author of five parenting books, including The Best Things Parents Do.

Marketing and advertising helps make peer influence more prominent. "The deregulation of laws allowing marketing to young children on television has resulted in observable differences in children's play, especially boys. Young boys who are exposed to TV usually act more aggressively and their play usually relates to super-hero figures. They also like to bring the latest toys and cards to school. Consumerism is somewhat less obvious in the play of young girls because we don't see the increased aggression," says Kohl, who is also a parent educator and college instructor in child development.

As kids become more social, usually around the age of four, they often crave the approval of children of the same sex in their preschools. "There may be a push to get Barbie or Batman lunch boxes or a particular backpack," she says.

Parental Involvement

Involved parents can make the difference. "Parents who spend time playing with their children every day "immunize" them to a certain extent by keeping their relationships strong. When children have to look to other children for comfort, peer pressure becomes more influential," Kohl says, adding that turning off the TV helps preserve children's innocence and the individuality of their play.

Parents should also set limits on purchases. "This helps children see that friends can accept them even if they don't have the latest clothing or backpack," she notes.

Real Life

"One of the great frustrations and challenges of parenting is that we cannot, in the end, completely shield our children from the cruel things their peers might do or say. We can't live their lives. We should not and cannot be perpetually at their sides. But we can help instill in our kids the sort of quiet self-confidence that we all need to survive this world," says Beth Kephart, author of Seeing Past Z: Nurturing the Imagination in a Fast-Forward World.

"We can take a true interest in what our kids are creating and dreaming and making—engaging them in conversation, asking questions, listening. We can help foster communities of other like-minded souls so that our kids do not feel so alone with their creative enterprises. We can make certain that our kids live as well-rounded lives as possible, that they do not isolate themselves with single-minded pursuits. A child's love for writing or painting, for example, need not preclude their participation in a neighborhood game of soccer," she said.

For example, Kephart helped foster a creative community when she lead a reading/writing workshop for her son and other creative kids his age.

Kephart notes that while parents may not have much say—or control—over their children's innate differences (such as a child's talents, interests, and pre-dispositions), they certainly do have, and must offer, their own stories, their own perspective.